Guys & Gals
January 29, 2012
Mark 10:2-16 2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” 3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied. 4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” 5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. 6 “But at the beginning of creation God `made them male and female.’ 7 `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” 10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” 13 People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” 16 And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them. (NIV)
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ”Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let’s see . . …February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they’d better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their …
”Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
”What?” says Roger, startled.
”Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ”Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so …” (She breaks down, sobbing.)
”What?” says Roger.
”I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. ”I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
”There’s no horse?” says Roger.
”You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.
”No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
”It’s just that . . . It’s that I . . . I need some time,” Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
“Yes,” he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ”Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.
”What way?” says Roger.
”That way about time,” says Elaine.
”Oh,” says Roger. ”Yes.” (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.)
(At last she speaks.) ”Thank you, Roger,” she says.
”Thank you,” says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ”Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”
Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys
I share that with you today as a reminder of just how different guys and gals are. It is not just physical differences. We are different. We don’t think or speak about things in the same way. And being less than truthful doesn’t help. A ten-year-old named Mike said: “On the first date, men and women just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” It is hard enough in a relationship when you tell the truth! Sometimes it is as though men and women don’t speak the same language. We don’t have the same thought processes. Every now and then someone will come to this miraculous conclusion that men and women are different and write a book on the subject. They “discover” all over again that the differences between male and female hinder communication.
Anyone who has been married knows that. And lack of communication is why so many relationships end up in shambles. I know this is a tender topic. When today’s Gospel lesson spoke about divorces, I know many of you were cringing, some were crying. Divorce is a reality that touches all of our lives. I’ve seen and shared a lot of the pain and hurt and frustration that divorce causes. And I am not trying to add to your pain or suffering by talking about it today. On the contrary, I hope you will hear God’s clear Word on this. Yes, divorce is outside of His Will, but it is not an unforgivable sin. There is only one of those, and divorce ain’t it. (The only sin that cannot be forgiven is Unbelief.)
I am in no way trying to imply that divorce is a good option. Divorce is not always the answer. Sometimes it is used too casually and carelessly. With celebrities you need a scorecard to keep track of who is married to whom and how many times they’ve been married and so on. Our society tries to pretend divorce is normal and acts as if it is no big deal and you’ll get over it. Those who have been through the pain of divorce know that it is indeed a big deal. Getting over it is not easy.
How often have you heard people critical of Grandma and Grandpa for staying together even though they were not happy. Well, look around and see just how happy everyone is now that divorce is so easy and so frequent. Divorce is not the answer. Divorce is not a good thing. It hurts. It causes intense pain and suffering. And it is a time when people need to hear all over again about God’s love, grace, forgiveness. You need to hear that the sins Jesus paid for with His perfect life included the sins that contributed to your failed relationship.
People don’t get married intending to get divorced, except for maybe a gold-digger after money or some celebrities doing it for publicity. When you get married, you want it to last. For that to happen, you have to put some effort into the relationship. And you’d better have Jesus in there. Without Jesus and His forgiveness, selfish concerns take over quickly. Many times that happens even when the marriage is between Christians. You think everything is fine and then your spouse comes up and says, “I don’t love you any more.”
l Sometimes divorce is a tragic necessity because of abuse, whether it is physical or verbal or emotional.
l Sometimes divorce comes because of infidelity, physical or emotional or otherwise.
l Sometimes it is a lack of even trying, one or both people in the marriage just give up.
If you are one of those who has been through divorce, if you have not already done so, you need to admit the relationship failed, take it to the cross, and leave it there. Don’t try to justify it. Don’t try to defend it. Just take it to the cross and leave it there. Experience the love and mercy and forgiveness that comes only through Jesus’ merit. Know without doubt that God loves you and forgives you because of what Jesus did through His death and resurrection. Know that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, including you. Your faith in Him grabs hold of all He earned for you. And it is with your faith that you resolve that, with God’s help, you will do better in the future.
Those who are in a relationship that has not failed – thank God for that. And don’t get smug or think you are superior or that this could never happen to you. As long as we are in this world, there is sin and temptation all around us, seeking to control us. Satan will try to get you to break your marriage vows to love and cherish your spouse. He is like that lion, prowling around, ready to pounce, looking for someone to devour. And he won’t give up. You need to draw on the strength God provides you in Christ, through Word and Sacraments.
God has a better way for you to live. He gave you a list of things telling you exactly how He wants you to live as His child. And let’s consider the sixth thing on that list, the Sixth Commandment: You shall not commit adultery. Even though it is stated in the negative, there is a positive side to this commandment as well, as Luther says in his explanation.
What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we lead a sexually pure and decent life in what we say and do, and husband and wife love and honor each other.
Love and honor each other. That means more than being sexually faithful. It comes down to love, loving as Christ loved. That is a tough one. Jesus loved you enough to die for you. It wasn’t a feeling or an emotion. It was something He did. And you are told that you are to love others, especially your spouse, with that same kind of love. Loving in that way means you put your spouse’s needs ahead of your own. A person who loves this way will not neglect his or her spouse, but cherish him or her as a gift from God. A person who loves this way is trying to follow the example of Christ.
Be aware that men and women are different. They think and act and communicate differently. But in Christ we are all one. And in Christ, we are called to live together in love and peace. May the love of Christ control you in your relationships and your words and your actions. May you be certain of the forgiveness you have for Jesus sake. May His presence comfort those who are coming out of a failed relationship and a divorce. And may all of you always know and experience His love in your life.
